So I just finished watching "21" with Jess. Today was chill and relaxing. She's sleeping now - her mom is coming back in 30 minutes or so, so I dare not lay next to her. Earlier she was sleeping on the sofa while the movie was playing. I kinda guess that was going to happen, I didn't want to go to sleep because I'm afraid I won't be able to go to sleep tonight and I have work tomorrow morning at 7 in the morning.
My favorite was grocery shopping with Jess - because today was the first in a long time that we've done that together. When I rang up the items, for a second it felt like we lived together. I guess that's my ultimate dream to be able to go home with her, to her and see her everyday. I hope she doesn't get bored of me or hates my guts when that happens. Before that happens though, I need to straighten out my priorities. She knows and I know that she's always going to be number one on my list. But what about everything else? What's number two or the following? I think those need to be straightened out so I know what to do and know what guidelines to follow. Then, maybe when I'm financially smarter and better off - that's something we can seriously consider. Y'know, it's no wonder why her parents don't like me as much, I'm aimless and wandering - what is Josh shooting for exactly? I'm stubborn in a lot of ways, but I guess I have to learn to compromise. I use to be working towards something, trying to achieve somewhere in my life. I guess they're wondering what the hell are you doing? How are you planning on taking care of my daughter? What have I done to convince them that I'm not a loser that I have a plan, a career, something that's in motion? I'm 23, I need to work harder, I've always thought that my mind-set and maturity was that beyond someone my age. I remembered when I was 16, I was matching up with people who were 5 years older than me. I was SUPERVISING them - I remember when I took charge with confidence and strength. I don't know where it all went but it needs to come back NOW.
I am going allowing myself to worry about my future. I have to admit after watching "21" I started to look up a few Blackjack book, "How To Beat the Dealer" got really good reviews. I don't know if I have the memory skill to sit there and count all the cards. Wow - from $0 to more than $300,000 in less than a year. Amazing. I want to do that. But I guess that's unrealistic and the day dreaming part of my mind taking over. Am listening to Coldplay right now - if you told me last year that I would be listening to Coldplay I would have fucked you up. Anyway, I know I shouldn't but all my eggs are in the Pasadena property basket. I really need that job, I know I want it more than anyone else. It would allow me to have some breathing room and to be able to finally put some money away for savings and for a rainy day. What do I really want to do with my life? Everyone wants to be rich and everyone wants to be "taken cared of." The American Dream, is it really to be able to go to any shop and not look or have to worry about the price tag? I know I want to be able to get to that level of comfort in my life - but how? What do I do? Is life really just a daily grind? I guess it is, everything can be related to World of Warcraft - how hard are you willing to work towards gearing yourself? If only it was as easy as pressing "A" for "Flash of Light," "S" for "Holy Light" then "F" for the "Divine Shield."
I'm getting mixed responses from everyone, people are telling me to go to school, or join this pyramid business or spend more time at the gym. I guess I should list what I really want and go from there.
The reason I like training people so much is having the ability to create my own schedule. It's flexible but the downside is that I'm not getting the for sure 8 hours of work everyday. I do enjoy working on deals, closing the deal, there's nothing better than knowing that after this deal is closed you just made 20% commission and just ensured X amount of sessions with this client. I guess I should take that on a larger scale and transform that to Real Estate or a Real Estate transaction. The thing is, I'm not sure how or what do to? I'm in debt and still struggling to make rent. I know I'm not working as hard as I should and there's no excuse not to. [just changed YouTube music to "Because of You." by NE-YO, I really like the beat of this song] I keep telling myself first thing first get my 2nd Cert and go from there. Show people you're serious. I've been working at 24 hour fitness for how long now and I only have 1 cert. I guess it's true, what you feel and what you think, only matters to you, you really have to show other people that you are hard working and that you are working hard to change or do something about your life, to make it better. And in turn hopefully they will give you more opportunities. "There's always something you can do to make yourself better." I try to remind myself that constantly so I won't allow myself to slack. I know I'm constantly worried about the future, what am I going to do career-wise, I've thought about doing a lot of things because I don't have a high school diploma or a college degree. I feel like my options are limited but then again, I'm only limiting myself because of the way I am thinking.
Goals:
Get Pasadena Resident Manager Job
Pass PSI (PES) Exam
Long-Term Goals:
Real Estate
- Investment
I'm good with people, I'm great with people. That's my skill. That's my talent. I'm going to be okay. Things are looking for the better and I have to believe that. Don't give up Josh.
Dear Jess,
This is a letter to you! The most beautiful girl in the world. I know there's nothing I can say or do at this point for you to believe me. Doesn't mean I shouldn't write, it doesn't mean I shouldn't say what I feel.
I always want to show you off to my co workers that this is my girlfriend, this is who I talk about, this is how I love so much! I want to hold you in front of everyone and let everyone see how much I LOVE YOU! I wish there was some way for me to show you how I feel - because recently, I suck at being a boyfriend. I know, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get this outrageous ideas of how to impress you but then, they're so expensive, and I get discouraged! Because I want to completely blow you away. I know there are probably cheaper things I can do, but who wants something cheap. All of my ideas are like WTF ... but expensive, I have a few planned and hopefully done for your birthday. I'm counting on me being in a COMPLETELY different financial situation than I am now.
I'm sorry that a lot of the times I'm not ... patient, that I'm an ass and that I make you think I don't care or treasure our relationship. Honey, I love you and I'll do anything for you. Sometimes I know I don't do the right hug at the right time or the right kiss at the right time, but I'm always loving and I think that's the best time and best place!
I wish I could show you how and what I think about you in terms of beauty because, to me you're simply amazing, you're wonderful!! You make me wanna scream on the top of my lungs, shout on the roof tops and declare my ... my ... OBSESSION about you. I know I'm being an uber pansy for posting something like this but I don't care. If you don't have the balls to be a pansy when you're in love, you have no business being in love! Says Josh!
Every single time we go out, it's like here is my girlfriend, the hottest girl has arrived, the girl that all you other guys are drooling over and wishing that this was your girl (but it isn't, so all you can do is watch as she holds my hand and as I give her a kiss). Watch, that's all they can do. Meanwhile I can ... hold you, hug you and kiss the most precious girl in the entire world! You're too valuable for me to lose and I don't think you understand that, and it's my fault for not showing you. Just sometimes I get nervous that I'll say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing - but I guess being nervous is natural when you're standing next to you. I lose my wits and I can't think right. It's amazing how after two years you can still do that to me. I guess the honeymoon isn't over.
You have the most beautiful eyes ever, they're not small and they're not too big so you look like an alien! It's perfect, I love the way your face is shaped, and I love every freckle on your cheeks. I don't kiss your cheeks as often anymore because you made me :[ but I do kiss your lips whenever I can!! I love your nose, it's so small and cute and I think it fits your face perfectly! I would kiss it all the times if it didn't annoy you so much! Lastly, Jess, your face, your body is perfect! There's nothing to add or take away from it. I think you're beautiful, pretty cute and sexy all at the same time. It's not fair that a girl can hold first place in all those categories, but you do it and you pull it off easily. You don't have to try. You're always going to be first in my heart from now until I die.
I hope you understand what I was trying to write because you know I don't write so well,
Love always, today, tomorrow and forever!
Your good old fashioned lover boy,
-Josh
I don't know why I always feel compelled to start my journal entries like a story or something. Then I always go back and write it how I would say it or how I'm thinking it.
Anyways, I remembered a months ago (wow - it's been that long) when she got her new car and she wanted to wash it. But she was waiting for her dad to show her, finally, she got tired of waiting and started to do it herself. She told me to stop by after work, which I did, it wasn't too dark but what I saw was the cutest thing EVER!
Of course she wouldn't start washing her car unless she did some research, so like she didn't want to scratch her car so she didn't use a normal towel, and since she didn't have micro fiber towels - I saw a whole bunch of paper towels and she was having the hardest time washing her car. It was so adorable she was so cute with her tank top and short shorts and trying to dry her car.
We went to watch the movies that night and before doing so, we stopped by my place and of course, I have EVERYTHING because I'm anal when it comes to washing my own car. So we rewashed her car and I had a lot of fun doing it too!
Just something I wanted to share, that image of her washing her car on the drive way is like my memory of her at the moment, she's soooo lovely - half wet and well well ;) It was too adorable of a story not to share.
Love you baby!
I think she has the most perfect face in the world. Everything that is laid out and arrange is a masterpiece. It's cute, pretty, beautiful and hot all at the same time. I just have to chose. All the options are there.
Sometimes. Okay. A lot of times I want to freeze that moment in time when we're together. No history, no future, just now, just us. together enjoying each other's company. I love doing the simplest things with her because it gives me an opportunity to get to know her even more - to talk about her day or what's on her mind. Or just talk about something random and share a story.
I love her with all my heart and I'm lucky to have someone return that feeling.
Sorry this is so short but I wanted to finish it before you got back :D
Ta - da! Surprise!!
Where to begin? A lot has happened in these few days. Thank goodness it's still Saturday and not Sunday. I still have a day to sleep in, a day to re-watch the Dark Knight and a day off.
After everything that's happen, sometimes, a lot of times I lay awake in my bed and I think about how many times I've fucked up my own life, over and over again. If only I didn't do this or if only I did do this instead. I have so much regret boiled in my blood. In life I feel like a complete failure. Every aspect of my life was and is not the way I want it to be.
Life is unfair but that's because I created it for myself this way. I have no one to blame and no one to fault but myself. "Everyone is self made but only the millionaires will tell you that."
I don't know what to do to change my life for the better. I'm tired of being ... the loser. Being the one that didn't try hard enough. "Everyday you can improve yourself in someway."
I love Jess. I love her with every part of my body, I think and breath Jess. I wake up thinking about her. But this doesn't excuse my sins and faults that I have committed against her and her family. Like I wonder, what have I done right? The things she said ring in my head but they are true. They might be harsh but they're true. I'm not trying to be negative and I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself. I'm just like ... taking a step back and looking at myself, my life. Where am I going and what am I doing? Am I living day to day, pay check to pay check? It sure seems like that. I keep saying, "I'm going to start saving, but I never do." I keep saying, when have I done anything ... right.
I use to be good, better than I am now. People liked me. People knew I was hard working. People knew I was working hard towards something. Now, I'm probably perceived as ... a lazy impatient ... you can fill in the rest.
This is a rant, it's not going anywhere and I'm not expecting it to. I do want better things for myself and I want a better life for myself. What am I doing to do it? How do I do it? Where do I take the step? I'm lost and confused. People say I'm stubborn, I don't think I am, I'm looking for like a mentor or a teacher someone who is more experienced in life than I am to show me in the right direction. I'm not expecting him/her hold to my hand because I walk my own path, but I would like to have someone guide. But a lot of the things I've learned recently is by making so many stupid mistakes. I've created my own ... life.
I look at other people and wonder how could the be so lucky to have certain things. I look at Jess and I wish I had a family. People are always saying, "well you move out and move on." It's different, because your mom will always be your mom and your dad will always be your dad. These people are suppose to always be there for you. To always support and guide you along the road of life. They want you to succeed and be better than them. They want the absolute best for you and they're willing to do anything to see you progress. Brothers are suppose to be your best friends. They're suppose to remember what you did for them. They're suppose to ... They say blood runs thicker than blood.
Anyways, I'm bitching too much.
Tomorrow's another day. Another day to better myself and my life. Where do I start or how do I start? I don't know. I guess I start by waking up and as long as I want to better myself I'll find a way and hopefully a way will open for me.
... and if that wasn't enough IMAX, which makes us better than you in every and all way. You might think well, I got the 12:01 AM tickets - HAH have fun trying to get decent seats. Those type of fans will cap out at like 7 AM to get the best seats of the house.
Today was nice, I felt like I did something nice and not for anything in return just did it because I could and wanted to. I sold my DS so it gave me a nice $100 bonus - and guess what, the first place I went to was the florist because I haven't gotten Jess some really really nice flowers since Valentine's Day. She deserves that much. These roses were beautiful. I mean they looked too perfect - just right for the perfect girl. 6 of them please!
Also, it's been a long time since I surprised her so I had to be "mad" so she wouldn't suspect anything!
DA TA.
"I like them a lot because they're not from 7 - 11" - I'm never getting flower there ever again.
Dark Knight mother fuckers Dark Knight ... the inner kid is asking me to dawn the cape and mask. It's telling me to stare off into the moonlight half expecting the bat signal. Pretend you have a grappling gun. All that and more! I miss being a kid for those reasons.
Tomorrow is going to rock. You wish you were us. It's okay - you guys can watch it next week.
The hell with story telling, sentence structure, spelling and punctuation!
Sometimes I don't understand but then again I always wonder what if it was me. The feeling of being betrayed for a reason that I didn't deserve, to sit there and wonder why and how. What did I do and where did we go wrong?
She's too patient and she's too tolerate. She's too nice and I don't deserve her.
I don't know what else to say. I've been staring at this screen and watching the cursor line thingy blink and blink and blink. I thought I have changed and I thought we were getting better. I guess there are some things you can't forgive and there are some things you can't ...
I failed her. I failed myself. I'm sorry Jess.
I hope one day you'll forgive me. I'm going to see if I can make my way to you now.
Okay, before I forget a few things I need to do tomorrow:
- Call auto insurance
- Grocery Shopping
- Milk
- Trash Bags
- Protein Shake
- Arizona Ice Tea
- Cereal
- Paper Towels
- Return DK tickets
- Work out
- 30 minutes of cardio
- Chest and Triceps
- /cross fingers
- negotiate credit card bills.
- hopefully I got that part - time job
- Clear out and wash the Pearl
Hopefully my day will start around 8 or 9. I guess I'll call AIS first and make my way to the gym to get my work out in. If Jess is awake by then I'll ask if she wants to go to City Walk with me if not, I'll wash the Pearl first and on the way back pick up some groceries.Get my room straightened up and then start making my way to Universal City walk, I'm hoping that'll be around 11:30 - 12 -ish so then we can have some lunch. Shop for a bit, well she'll probably shop and I'll watch her :D and gotta make my way back for work at 5 PM.
How can I fail if I never give up. I have to admit that I've been forcing myself to NOT GIVE UP. Easier said than done. Every time I get a call from a creditor I have to admit that it's nerve wrecking. I feel so down about myself. There are a lot of times, especially recently I really want to just give up. Just fuck it all. Fuck everything. What am I doing this for?
But I can't give up Not when I came so far and tried so hard for everything. I won't allow myself to give up. Things are hard, but what is that saying, anything worth getting isn't easy. Life isn't easy but it's worth. Especially when I have Jess. Every moment is worth it.
I keep checking my online bank account and hoping to see more than $5.00 as my balance for <insert date here>
I keep pressing the "ignore" button on my cell phone whenever I see an out of state number because I know it's a creditor.
I limit the amount of driving I do because I only have two bars of gas.
... what did I do, where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this and what can I do to change it? I don't know what to do. I want to get over this but it's been a FUCKING year. I feel like a complete loser. Some weird part of me is telling me to go to Borders and read those "How to get rich" or "Find your inner self books" but those aren't really going to help. I know the theories and the stories.
What is fun for me? What do I enjoy doing? What would I like to do? Why am I here?
Do I scour craigslist or monter or hot jobs until I find something that pays well? Is that what I'm suppose to do, or should do? I don't get it. What am I doing wrong? Every day I seem to manage to mess up. What do I do ...
